My 'secret'.....

Warning...this is long and somewhat random......I debated over and over if I should blog about this, but I don't think too many people read this anyway and it is almost a freeing feeling to put it out on 'paper'. It is a topic that no one ever really talks about and I feel like I have been living with this 'secret' for so long that I just want to get it out! I have anxiety. There, I said it and it's true. My whole life I have dealt with it but haven't always known what it was or how to even talk about it. I think it all started when I was in mrs. Medved's 1st grade class and felt sick. I puked while sitting at my desk, all over Paul Quinett and Chris Lang. Why do I remember that? I don't know but It was the most embarassing moment of my whole childhood. Mrs. Medved got on the intercom to mr. brown the janitor and said 'mr brown, april baskin just vomited in my classroom'. That moment was so etched in my brain it led to a struggle for me and my poor parents off an on for years. I remember being too nervous to go to school in fear that something embarrasing would happen again. I made up stories to my mom so I wouldn't have to go to school. My favorite one is when I colored red marker in my panties and called my mom at work to tell her my period had started! ha ha....sorry mom:) I remember having daily stomach aches and my mom taking me to the dr. they said that I had IBS (irratable bowel syndrome) and sent me home with meds. I begged my parents to home school me so I wouldn't have to deal with the fear of something embarrasing happening in school. I remember going to a slumber party at my friend eran's house and halfway through I wanted to go home because I had a stomach ache and what if I were to throw up at Erans house and everyone would make fun of me? Back then I think I just thought I was wierd and Im sure everyone else did too. Looking back I now know I was having panic attacks and didn't know it. My teenage years were better and I only remember once telling my mom that I was scared of 'being out of control' so we went to a councelor but I was too young to remember what she said or if it even helped. Fast Forward to about 6 years ago. Luke and I had just moved to Spokane and went to a nice dinner at the olive garden. Out of the blue I got a wierd feeling in my stomach, my throat closed off and I became filled with a horrible feeling that I just had to 'get out' of the building! Poor luke was confused and ended up paying for my unfinished meal and meeting me outside. I thought I was just sick? Then a few weeks later we went to Costco and I started to feel closed in and had a feeling that I couldn't get out again. What was I scared of? I think it was the fear of the unknown. My mind starts saying 'what if'? what if I throw up? what if I pass out? what will people think? I do this every day. What if I pass out while I'm driving? what if there is a fire in the house and I can't get to my kids? I seem to stress out about the stupidest things. I strive for perfection in my life but know that it doesn't exist. The other day the preschool sent home a letter saying that some of the preschoolers are 'early readers'. What!? Josie can't read! Is it my fault because I don't spend enough time with her reading or going over letters or numbers? I feel some days I'm short tempered with Luke or the kids when they don't deserve it because I am so frustrated with my anxiety. I have been living this way my WHOLE life! I often feel I'm not good at anything. I was never good at sports. (cut from the volleyball in 8th grade) ha ha...I'm over that, but it did suck at the time. I am always down on myself for not being 'good enough'. I finally went to a psychologist on friday. As I sat in the waiting room I thought....why am I here? I'm not 'crazy'. I don't belong here. looking at the other people in the waiting room I was wondering what they thought of me? this is something I am working on....not worrying what others think of me....hard to do:) the dr. called me back and said...well there, things can't be too bad, your smiling'. I explained to him that I'm not in a panic every day. sometimes weeks or months go by and I am totally fine...no anxiety, no panic, I'm somewhat 'normal'. As we talked I told him Im not a big 'pill taker' and I didn't want to have to rely on medicine to make me feel less anxious. But he said 'if you could take a pill that would reduce your anxiety and minimize your panic would you take it?'.....For the last 33 years I have said 'no' to that question...but for the first time I said 'yes'. He told me to educate myself and gave me the name of a couple books to read. Soooo, yesterday I bought the book called 'from panic to power'. I started reading it and I thought 'I could have written the same intro'. the woman described her anxiety and panic exactly as mine has been. It made me see that Im not alone in this struggle. I know a few people who I have talked to that have had anxiety and it has been helpful to talk to them, but this book made me feel empowered to not let this stupid 'disorder' run my life. I am hoping it will help me enough so I don't have to take any meds. Im only on day 2 of medication so I can't say yet if it is helping, but Im willing to give it a shot. I am trying to look at life with a new perspective. I am not perfect and never will be and I just have to be happy in the moment and happy for all the positive things in my life. I am a good mother and wife and some days will be tougher than others. I have to forgive others and can't live in the past or dwell on things that people have said or done to me or things that I have done to others. If someone doesn't like me, oh well....I can't waste my worry on it! So, If you are still reading this....I hope this will give you some insight on me and my 'crazy' life. I am lucky to be surrounded by a very supportive family and group of friends.



On a lighter note...we got some snow last week that Josie finally got to play in with landon. I realized that landon didn't have the right size snow boots so I put him in some that were way to big and he couldn't even walk in them! He liked the snow, unlike his sister when she was his age!


And that is the 'deepest' post from me Ever:).....